Islam's Dr. Ruth and her campaign for good sex

Can this marriage be saved? Yes, says a Dubai counsellor, if husband attends to his wife's needs

Jessica Hume Special to the Star

Published On Sun Aug 09 2009

Wedad Lootah is fighting for women's sexual rights from behind the full niqab.

A marriage counsellor in the family guidance department of Dubai Courts, Lootah sees couples who are considering divorce or want to revive their relationship. She is also the author of the shocking, for the United Arab Emirates, Top Secret: Sexual Guidance for Married Couples, a book published in January.

And much of the advice she dispenses involves teaching husbands that their wives deserve sexual pleasure too.

The idea of anyone, let alone a female, practising sex therapy may seem at odds with the ethos of the U.A.E. – a country in which hand-holding and other displays of public affection can result in prison terms, where premarital sex among Western expats is a deportable offence.

But Lootah is able to get away with talking about this taboo subject because she bases her advice firmly on the teachings of the Qur'an, which is decidedly more forthcoming about sex than the Bible.

And she insists her motivation has much less to do with sexual liberation than with helping married couples avoid divorce.

"My subject is not sex; people always misunderstand that," says the married, 45-year-old mother of three, a marital counsellor for nine years. "I'm trying to guide people about how to satisfy each other and save society from illegal relations – girlfriends, boyfriends.

"We're talking about Islam. We're not talking about sex."

Still, the reality is that she and her clients are talking about sex. During a recent, two-hour interview – in English and with an Arabic translator – in her tiny office, she said the most important piece of advice she can give is, "Don't forget that there are 22 positions to have sex in. Use them all."

Although the Qur'an states explicitly that both husbands and wives deserve sexual gratification in marriage, sex remains an intensely private subject.

Sex education in Emirates high schools consists of little more than a heads-up for girls about menstruation and a reminder that in Islam, sex may only take place in marriage.

And because many couples in the Emirates are loath to discuss sex with their partners, says Lootah, marriages suffer. Meanwhile, infidelity is forbidden in Islam, and divorce is frowned upon.

Sharia law urges couples considering divorce to make every effort to save their marriage. And Lootah, born and raised in Dubai and studied Islamic jurisprudence in college, sees herself as complying with that guideline by getting men and women to talk about their sex lives.

The truth is that if the Qur'an didn't factor so largely into her work, she probably would not have been personally appointed by Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum as the first and only woman family counsellor at the court and in Dubai, nor does it seem likely that Top Secret would have been published.

After all, her book deals with subjects ranging from female orgasm to homosexuality and anal sex.

Lootah condemns the latter two, as they are forbidden in the Qur'an. Indeed, she sees herself as neither provocative nor revolutionary, a self-image bolstered by her wearing of the full niqab, which exposes only her eyes and hands.

THE DIVORCE RATE in the U.A.E. is about 30 per cent. And the process leading up to traditional Muslim marriage makes it particularly vulnerable to breakdown.

Many unions are decided upon by the parents of the prospective bride and groom, who often don't even meet before the wedding.

Once the families agree on the union, it is confirmed legally in a written agreement.

"Then the marriage is legal, but it is without sex," she says. "That's not until the wedding.

"The Prophet Mohammed, peace be upon him, said before you marry, you need to see each other, you need to understand if you like each other.

"I advise people to visit each other before the wedding, spend time together, get to know each other."

Lootah says that it's mainly women who go to see her. "And they're here because the men don't always understand that they have responsibility in the marriage beyond working; they have a responsibility to make sure the wife gets pleasure.

"If he has two or more wives, it has to be equal among them all."

The problem, she continues, is that in a culture where a woman's modesty is among her most prized traits, more conservative women are reluctant to bring up a subject as racy as sex with their husbands, or even with friends.

The ebullient Lootah says her greatest asset at work is her ability to put those on the other side of her desk at ease. She approaches her subject with empathy, a sense of humour and an unfazed candour.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, Lootah's openness about a topic generally considered taboo within Islamic culture has stirred up controversy.

She first encountered threats and opposition in 2004, after an interview on the Al Arabiya TV network.

Death threats and accusations of blasphemy followed the release of her book. The anger came from men in the Gulf, who said her openness about sex was un-Islamic.

Her view is that they feel threatened that a woman in niqab would empower other women to demand better sex from their husbands.

The idea for her book arose after she'd met women whose stories about marital sex shocked her.

"One couple lived together for 35 years, they had children, and in discussions I found that the woman had had no sexual pleasure in all that time," she recalls. "Another woman told me that during the 20 years of her marriage, her husband only ever had anal sex with her except for the times they wanted to have children."

Another woman said her husband had asked for oral sex, and she wasn't sure if that was allowed by the Qur'an. (The Qur'an, explains Lootah, has no problem with it.)

Her book is the only one of its kind to have been published in the U.A.E..

The number of people she sees – and not all are Muslims or Emiratis – has increased over her time as a counsellor, she points out. Now she has five or six appointments a day.

"From 2001 to 2004 it was almost always on the phone; couples were ashamed to talk, or they would talk but they wouldn't reveal everything. Since 2004, when I went on Al Arabiya and started giving lectures, and then the book, now people know there is someone who will listen. Even the most religious couples tell me everything now."

THERE MAY BE increased openness to talking about sex in other Arab countries too. Heba Kotb, 49, is an Egyptian sex therapist whose decidedly frank sex show is broadcast weekly across the Arab world. Like Lootah, Kotb bases her advice on the Qur'an. And like Lootah, her work has stirred up some vociferous opposition.

One point of pride for Lootah is the fact that among the six family therapists working at the Dubai Court, she is the one whose appointment book fills up quickest. She has the highest success rate, she contends.

And some of her best moments are when the people she has counselled come back to thank her, crediting Lootah for saving a marriage.

Lootah herself has been married 21 years. Her bond with her husband is strong, she says, and he is "very supportive, very proud" of her.

Other than a lack of communication and variety, Lootah says a not making an effort to stay desirable can hurt a marriage.

"My advice for married women is to buy lots of dresses. Look beautiful. Be clean. Use the perfume.

"I give the same advice to men. Be like what you want your wife to be like. Brush your teeth."

– The National, Dubai

Love, Sex and the Position of Women in Bangladesh

Friday, 25 September 2009 12:09 William Gomes

As Bangladesh goes increasingly religious, sex-crime against women and children bursts. Why is it so, and what we need to do to create a world for women to live a dignified life...

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Sex and love are forces that, every day, lead to new problems and new possibilities around the world. In male-dominated societies, like Bangladesh, women can often be treated as sexual objects. Women experience sexual harassment, abduction, rape, and even murder. The natural desire for sex and love has brought women unknown misery. The fact is, when a woman gets raped, it is not the woman who has sex, but the man who was the active person having sex; yet, in societies like Bangladesh, all the shame goes to the woman. The woman is the one, who is oppressed by sexual violence, may experience depression afterward, and have to bear all the shame; but the man remains unaffected.

The Sikh holy book Guru Granth Sahib says, "Sexual desire and anger are diffused throughout the universe. Coming and going, people suffer in pain."

Religions strictly limit people’s freedom in sex and sexuality, especially in the Indian Subcontinent. The major world-religions have a highly conservative stance on sex and love. The Bible starts with a simplistic idea of humankind’s beginning: how Adam, the first man, felt lonely; how Eve, the first women, was created from Adam’s rib as his consort; and how Adam felt satisfied as he saw his mate. This is how Abrahamic religions make women property of men, materialize the woman for man’s pleasure: the woman must make the man happy, and act as a tool for procreation to populate the world. Similarly, most other religions have, more or less, a degrading view of woman.

In Bangladesh, sex-related crimes against women and children are increasing. Crimes result from mentality of the criminal. People normally argue that people, who commit such crimes, are smaller in number than those, who oppose it.

But, then, the question is: Why does this majority, who overwhelmingly outnumber the criminals, fail to bring an end to crimes against women and children?

Why is it that we come across unsavory news-headlines like---"A juvenile girl raped by an imam in rural Bangladesh?" or, "Bangladesh: Newly married minority woman raped and killed by Muslim thugs"---on a daily basis?

Some people argue that a criminal’s mentality can be improved through the practice of religion, but, historically, and even at our present time, religions have failed to make people less criminal, including their propensity toward sexual violence.

In Bangladesh, the conservative religion of Islam dominates lives of the majority. As the country becomes increasingly religious, it runs into increasingly chaos, with bursts in sexual crimes. And the reason could lie in the fact that Islam views women as men’s property and object for their sexual pleasure. A hadith says (Tialissi):

The right of the husband is that when he calls his wife to have sex, she should not deny him herself.

The root of the problem of bursts in sexual crime in Bangladesh lies in the society’s mentality. It is not only the mentality of men that must change, but also the society’s understanding of woman that needs to become more positive, especially in regard to their role in sex and love. Many special laws have been introduced and many criminals were sentenced to death, but, in the end, there has been a failure in deterring sexual crimes against women.

We need to dig out the rotten root of religions that inspire men to be inhumane towards women. We need a global campaign to create a free and fearless world for women, where women will be equal and dignified partner of men. Only then will come the day, when women we will be able live in peace, love and dignity alongside men, not as being degraded and violated by their opposite number.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Religion is to do right. It is to love, it is to serve, it is to think, and it is to be humble."

We need foster a religion that inspires us to think of men and women, first and foremost, as human equal and dignified beings, before our sexual differentiation.

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William Gomes is a human rights worker, film director and freelance journalist in Bangladesh. He can be reached by email at cda.exe@gmail.com This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

“Muslims Talking Sex” Series: The Joy of Muslim Sex by Ruwayda Z.

GOATMILK continues its original and exclusive month long series entitled “Muslims Talking Sex” featuring diverse Muslim writers from around the world discussing a gamut of topics in their own unique, honest and eclectic voices.

The Joy of Muslim Sex

Why? Because we’re tired of reading about tilths and whatnot. The language Muslims use to talk about sex needs updating – even if we already know what the score is in private. This is a working document and relevant suggestions grounded in orthodoxy will be included.

GETTING KINKY

- Sexual love is explicitly referred to as part of God’s grace and as a sign of God in itself (Qur’an 30:21). It’s a form of worship to fuck.

- Sex is not merely for procreation, but specifically also for pleasure (unlike many non-Muslim schools of thought, which note specific timings and restrictions upon sex.

- There are only two things off-limits between consenting adults: anal sex (unless one subscribes to select Shi’a schools of thought[1]) and sex whilst menstruating (for safety reasons). And this is rooted in completely logical, hygienic foundations. Everything else goes; this would mean that BDSM, role-play, sex outdoors and all other varieties of kinky sex, for instance, are not off-limits[2].

- Foreplay is obligatory. This is widely known and de rigueur. There are reams of works devoted to the fact that men cannot approach women with solely their own needs in mind i.e. (the Kama Sutra has nothing on Ghazzali).[3] The Qu’ran commands men to put the sexual needs of the woman first[4] .

- The best of you (men) is the best of you who treats his wives – canonical thought. I interpret this as those men who are best able to go down on and give pleasure to their wives. We know this is doable because of hadith suggesting the use of musk after cycles, indicating that oral sex was always on the menu.[5]

- Sex in any position is acceptable – missionaries are not where the buck stops. The best positions for achieving the maximum amount of pleasure are preferred.

- Any time is acceptable. I don’t think this means whilst the Adhan is going off however.

- If a man fails to live up to his conjugal rights, this is grounds enough for divorce. Yes, you read that right – if he’s awful in the sack, let’s get it on with the Talaq.

CULTURAL STIGMAS, ACTUAL REWARDS

- There is no Original Sin in Islam. Eve (Hawa) never sexually tempted Adam and is therefore not responsible for the downfall of Man. There is thus no sense of repression or of guilt attached to sexual acts, which are instead viewed as beautiful and pleasurable.

- Shyness: asking frank questions about religion is essential. This is explicitly the case with sex education which is an essential part of growth. Bees and Birds and staid euphemisms which adults use to refer to around children are somewhat irrelevant yet still culturally endemic. But in reality, taboos are strongly discouraged leading to sin and repression in and of themselves because of the rise of STDs, unwanted pregnancies etc[6].

- Moreover, you actually get blessings for legal sex ergo- again, no shameful connotations attached (no, we don’t need to have sex through a sheet, nor are we inspected or have to endure Mikvah’s upon completion of cycles). Why? To counterbalance the fact that illicit sex (i.e. adulterous) accrue negative vibes[7]

- Anglo-Saxon concepts of males/females/ wives/husbands do not have echoes in the bedroom – all such terms having traditionally derogatory etymologies which do not correspond with gender neutral terms in Islam

- There’s no stigma to divorce. By that I mean the traditional Western connotations of divorcees as having been tainted, barren or problematic do not apply to Muslims. We are still whole, we have just been through a rough time essentially.

- Hermits (celibates etc) are discouraged from the laity upwards on the grounds that it unnaturally represses human instincts

MAKING IT LEGAL: THE ‘AWESOME COVENANT’ [8]

- A Union is defined as Consenting adults in a contractual agreement between two partners – different from culturally prevalent ideas of marriage in that it can be performed by anyone, with very few addendums including a dowry and witnesses. This is not an endorsement of Mut’ah or Orfi (short-termism), this is to say lets go public about dating and treat long term relationships like marriage – the same way its done in the west with common law marriages. When we start dating seriously, we don’t intend to end it early, do we?

- We do not have archaic notions of contraception, and are thus not theoretically constrained by outdated birth control or STD prevention ideas. This means we regard Rhythm methods as really bizarre etc

- Cougars are perfectly acceptable if not de rigueur in traditional thought

- There should be at least three months grace period between having sex with another (contractually obligated) partner – to avoid heartache, allow time for possible reconciliation or indeed, possible pregnancies. Interestingly it takes three months for an AIDS test nowadays… go figure

- A man and woman (except family members) are not to be alone in the same room unless publicly having consented to be together.

- Chasteness (not to be confused with virginity, which is completely irrelevant considering many people get abused in the Muslim world) is important -serial monogamy is fine where promiscuity is frowned upon.

Notes

I must admit, the idea of Muslim marriage as stipulated in Orthodox terms is extraordinarily different (i.e. more flexible/profound) to the desi/ayrab kitsched out normative cultural versions of its practice. A cursory glimpse at the dire marital questionnaires people are encouraged to fill out speak to extraordinarily limited understandings of what goes into marriage as well as a limited grasp of the philosophy behind these questions and why they need to be asked.

What is a union after all? There are orthodox schools of thought which note that common law marriages are actually marriages (i.e. where the couple live together, have children but have had no ceremony in the traditional understanding of the sense). At the orthodox heart of the Muslim Union lies several elements which center on the social contract between the couple and society. How it’s made public is through the mechanism of a number of witnesses; an imam need not be there, yet any person who officiates should. A formal understanding of the dowry is all that’s required. And in our family, dowries are usually promises, gifts of qur’an or significant tokens.

Instead, Muslims have adopted Anglo-Saxon words such as husband or wife – terms with sexist etymologies to eschew the more dire/politically correct ‘partner’ terms – as the language simply is inadequate. In fact, the lexicon, the philosophy and the meanings behind all that we take as symbolic for marriage have begun to dissipate – what we’re left with are gaudy ceremonies resembling cattle markets awash with glitter, tinsel, tacky food traditions, bizarrely subordinate women having sweat-meats stuffed in mouths, parents agog at giving children away, mahr agreements reduced to gold-digging glee. It’s a mockery of the concept which ought to have been rooted in spiritual underpinnings from the off. And nowhere to be found is the most important criteria for choosing an equal – a sense of god consciousness or Taqwa. Instead, from the get-go the relationship is relegated to appeasing status, in-laws, material wealth in the form of ballrooms and numbers of guests. I fish for content in such notions and struggle to find love or simplicity. It’s the social contract distorted out of relevance and poignancy.

No wonder so many marriages now have lost what it is which makes them tick. I don’t get a sense of the divine in attending them these days at all. Then there’s the idea that it is somehow the complete opposite of dating in itself – but do we even know what to date means? Orthodox Muslim Unions are more logical and adaptable to reality than we’d think. Added to this the theoretical ease with which sex fully takes on the meanings it should, unions can once again become incredible.

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[1] The Grand Ayatollah has decreed that anal intercourse is “not permissible without the wife’s consent” – indicating that if she consents, it’s all good.

[2] Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) had talked about ‘al-bikr wa liaabiha’ [the virgin and her saliva], which means they understood the importance of French kissing long before the French did.

[3] Surah Al Baqarah = a verse talking about the woman’s rising pleasure. It’s an order to the man to give the woman the right to have pleasure — it orders the man to give the woman foreplay and also to get the wife to have sex repeatedly and to not wait for the woman to ask because sometimes she’s too shy to ask

[4] “Verse 223 of Al-Baqara also mentions foreplay,” Qutb says, quoting: “‘Your wives are a tilth for you, so go into your tilth when you like, and do good beforehand for yourselves, and be careful [of your duty] to Allah, and know that you will meet Him, and give good news to the believers.’ “It says ‘wa qaddimo li anfosikom’ [and do good beforehand for yourselves]. The letter waw [and] means that the act and what happens before it have to go together. But then wait, it also says for yourselves, and science has proven that foreplay has a positive impact on the man, too. The excitation causes the pineal gland to secrete nitric oxide (NO3), a very precious and essential chemical that the brain secretes frugally but that helps channel the blood flow to the genitals, causing erection and arousal in both males and females,” she says.

[5] ‘A’isha reported: A woman asked the Apostle of Allah (may peace be upon him) how he should wash herself after the menstrual period. He (the Holy Prophet) said: Take a cotton with musk and purity yourself, and the rest of the hadith was narrated like that of Sufyan.

[6] A’ishah, the wife of the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, made this clear: “Blessed are the women of the Ansar (the citizens of Madinah). Shyness did not stand in their way seeking knowledge about their religion.”

[7] Hadith: The Prophet once remarked that a man is to be rewarded for sex with his wife, and when some of his surprised listeners wondered how could a person be rewarded for satisfying his own desire, the Noble Prophet said, ‘ Do you not see that if he were to satisfy it in a prohibited manner he would be committing a sin? So if he satisfies it in a lawful manner he will be recompensed’

[8] ‘…an awesome covenant’ An-Nisaa:21

SEX-RELATED ILLNESSES, HEALTH HAZARDS AND GENERAL ISSUES

To indulge in any unnatural form of sexual gratification and to prevent the natural flow of semen results in veneral diseases and other related disorders.

Excessive sex, “filthy” literature, pornographic material, “dirty” thoughts, fantasizing, etc. Cause a flow of Mazee (liquish matter preceding semen) to occur. This results in the semen becoming thin, which in turn causes premature ejaculation- a vicious chain-reaction of sexual problems!

Moderate (or bare minimum) sexual indulgence is the key to good health and a happy life.
Sour foods in abundance causes premature ejaculation
Sex during fever causes the fever to become excessive and could result in delirium.

Immediately after sexual activity, partaking place where the sudden appearance of any strange person is very likely, is undesirable and causes weakness to the body and nerves. Besides the harm, no pleasure is derived from such sexual indulgence.
Sex on a full-stomach results in premature ejaculation. Besides this, weakness of stomach, indigestion, swelling of the liver and stomach are some of the resultant problems of the above-mentioned act.

Curbing the urge to urinate and indulging in sex in this condition cause infection and harm to the kidneys, bladder and urinary tract. Similarly to suppress the urge to defaecate and indulge in sex cause piles and other rectal problems. These should be avoided at all costs.

To indulge in sex when the eye is sore results in the swelling and whitening of the eye.

Even when the woman’s eye is sore, sex should be avoided. Hazrat Umma-Salma (Radiyallahu-Anhum reports that if any of the Holy wives’ eyes were sore, Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) would not indulge in intimacy with them until they were cured. JAMI-E-KABEER.

N.B. From this Hadith it is learnt that if the woman is ill or in pain and agony, sexual intercourse should be avoided. Besides further deterioration of her health, it may strain relationships between husband and wife and no pleasure or satisfaction will be derived from such intimacy.

If the woman makes istinja with cold water before sexual intercourse, she will be aroused and climax quicker than normal. On the other hand, the man will slow down and slacken if he makes istinja with cold water. He should thus avoid doing so immediately before sexual relations.